Just having learned today what «Giri choko» or «Pflichtschokolade» means, I realized what a lazy bastard I can be, preferring eating chocolate, pizza and McRaclette instead of writing forced movie «reviews» no one will ever read anyway.
Celebrating this new found honesty, I’m hereby introducing a new review-format for all no-time-for-no-bullshit-film-fans out there:
The «Quicky» [measured in metric pigs]:
Here we go, starting with John Krasinski’s brillant «A Quiet Place» (Categories may vary):
Well, it’s a movie. A solid movie. A solid Spike Lee movie. Sorry, a solid Spike Lee «joint». An important joint. Presenting a mind-blowing premise based on true events. About some very important issues. Making some interesting points… …in the most generic way imaginable (other than being somewhat of a period piece).
But other than that rather mediocre, imho. (#OscarBait)
Too lazy (and too drnk right now) to write a proper review (and don’t have the time to get into details, I have to get even more drnkn in a minute), but after my «Roma» “Review” I feel that I have to show that I still have some sense of proper movie-appreriationtiaion for some to like SOME artsy-fartsy movies!
I’m just rewatching «Birdman» and wanted to let you know, that it’s great and you absolutely have to watch it! Like now!!!
I problaly shouldnt wirt e this but it’s really graet, where are those really grat movies now? Frget «Rpoma», watch «Birdman»! BIIIIRDMAAAN!!!
Lets get some more Oscars over here, plse, bevore «Roma« gets, tehm!
To be honest, I didn’t plan to out myself as a hater (again, after last year’s Academy Awards disaster that was «The Shape Of Water»), but with the Oscars warming up and 10 nominations for this year’s frontrunner, I feel forced to reveal my two cents about «Roma – The Watching of Paint Dry».
Netflix’ Oscar vehicle «Roma» is like Alfonso Cuarón’s earlier multiple Oscar-winner «Gravity» but not set in space. And with the difference that I found «Roma – The Emperor’s New Clothes» to be boring and that I didn’t like it. And it doesn’t even come in color. And as I mentioned earlier, I like color.
One could state that «Roma – The CCTV Experience» is like «Children of Men», another masterpiece by Alfonso Cuarón, but not set in the future. What sets it apart from «Children of Men» is that «Roma – Arthouse, Schmarthouse» doesn’t have a story. I like story; it’s high up on my list of priorities: I even live in a 26 story building.
I’d even go so fare to compare «Roma – They Might Be Your Memories, But Why Should I Care?» with Cuarón’s «Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban», another great one that is entertaining and fully satisfying; unlike «Roma – Fast Forwarding Through The Second Half». I like to be entertained. And I like what I like.
In conclusion, I wished «Roma – I Already Miss The McRaclette» was more like «Y Tu Mamá También»: I’ve never watched it but I heard it’s great.
McRaclette – I’ll see you in another life when we are both fat.
For a moment there I really thought M. Night Shyamalan was finally back for good in all his former glory. But then «Glass» got a little clumsy and lost me somewhere along the way – just to win me back in the end.
As enjoyable and original the movie might be in general, Shyamalan once again tries a little too hard for my taste, lacking the elegance of his earliest work and for that matter, the charm of «Split», the movie that got me back on board for this one in the first place.
(In case you didn’t know, «Split» and «Unbreakable» are absolutely mandatory to see before «Glass» – it’s a whole thing now).
And though I love me some James McAvoy (I got so lucky to experience his wonderful stage performance as «Macbeth»), I’m sad to say, less «Horde» would have been more this time around.
All in all, revisiting Mr. Glass’ Meta-Comic-Super-Hero-World (almost two decades after «Unbreakable») in the weakest but still solid part of the trilogy, is absolutely worth its admission price.
M. Night really seems to be redeeming himself lately. Let’s be nice and give him just a little bit more time, he’ll get there again…
James McAvoy in Macbeth (Trafalgar Studios London, 2013)
The only good thing I can write about «Aquaman» is that it ends. (Which is true in more than one way; the final 10 minutes of the movie were almost enjoyable).
But since this appalling piece of crab (yes, I just wrote that) presented itself as such an offending incoherent mess, I really don’t feel like making an effort here, either. So let’s just open the floodgates, shall we:
Can we let the DC Extended Universe die now, please? At this point it’s just intolerable cruelty.
This movie has the pacing and elegance of a very bad «Family Guy» episode.
«Uncanny Valley – The Movie»
You know you’re in trouble when Patrick Wilson steals the movie. (Not that he’s bad or anything, but you know, he’s Patrick Wilson).
On the bright side, «The Shape of Water» is no longer my most hated water-related film of late.
Poor Jason Momoa wasn’t given anything to work with whatsoever.
You know you’re in trouble when I think Jason Momoa was underused. (Not that he’s bad or anything, but you know, he’s Jason Momoa).
This movie feels longer than Willem Dafoe’s dong. And it’s almost as painful to watch as its scene in Lars von Trier’s «Antichrist».
Like watching eight awful movies in parallel – while sitting on a trident, and not the comfortable way.
You had to cram «Black Manta» into this, did you? BTW, have you even seen «Black Panther»?
You know you’re in trouble when Dolph Lundgren’s hair becomes the most fascinating thing in the scene.
Sicily, reaally? You don’t say?!
Harry Gregson-Williams has a brother?!
Directed by James Wan does this garbage end?
Amber please stop, it Heards!
I’ve seen way better versions of this made by children in the winter. It’s called «Snowman».
I’ve seen way better versions of this made by dogs in the winter. It’s called «yellow snow».
I’ve seen way better versions of this made by my anus in the winter. It’s called «shit».
What do you think?! Pass me that bong and please stop browsing through these YouTube videos! I’m sick enough as it is…. WAIT! GO BACK! Wasn’t that QUEEN?!
Yeah. Their concert at Wembley Stadium. Won’t get out of my YouTube bubble. Must have watched it a thousand times by now, never gets old.
Cool!
Yeah, pretty dope!
Shame the the video’s kinda blurry. Someone should make a movie out of that.
Wattayamean?
You know,… just reenact the concert and film the whole thing with the original songs, but in HD.
That’s no movie!
I know, would be cool, though…
Yeah,… always wanted to make a movie.
But who would wanna watch this?
Wattayamean?
Who would pay for a ticket to see something they can get for free online?
Just millions of Queen fans, for example?!
You’re stoned! You don’t even know how to make a movie!
We’ll find a guy to direct. Maybe even two.
Still stupid!
I got it!!!
What?
AIDS!
WHAT?! No! Really? How? Why? I’m so sorry!
NO! I mean I have an Idea! Didn’t Mercury die from AIDS?
I guess. Scared me for a moment there, you asshole!
I mean Mercury was a phenomenal artist dying young. We’ll just pretend the movie was a drama. A biopic!
Ok?! But won’t the audience notice it’s just a pretense?
Of course they will. But by the time we finally get to «Don’t stop me now», they’ll be too mesmerized to even care a bit.
DUDE! That might even work! The only audience we’d have to deal with will be Queen fans and if we put all their greatest hits in the pic, they’ll be happy. No one else will care. And the fans wouldn’t want to say anything negative about the film when all it basically is is the music of their beloved band.
Exactly my point! If we don’t dig too deep, we won’t offend anyone and the music will do all the work for us. We won’t even have to care about realistic CGI, we’ll be able to shoot almost everything on stage or in front of a greenscreen! No one will give a shit about shaky crowd simulation when there’s «Bohemian Rhapsody» playing over it.
Dude! We might be really onto something here. And you know what? I just thought of the perfect meta-joke to put in the movie. I know that really good blogger that will be the only one in the theatre getting the joke… We’ll just have to get Mike Myers and disguise him so nobody will recognize him.
Wattareyatalkingabout? You really are stoned! But talking about actors: Who could play Freddie, anyway?
Don’t worry, I know just the guy. Perfect casting, a superb actor. So good even the critics will have to say: «Not really a movie, but he nailed it!»
You mean that guy from «Borat»?
No, stupid! Have you seen «Grimsby»? Terrible, terrible idea! I’m thinking of someone much better that will surely get along nicely with the director…
Ok. If you say so. But don’t forget the music! It’s all about the music…
Whatever. I’m hungry, let’s order some pizza and watch that Wembley Video again…
«Venom» surely isn’t a good movie but I still kinda liked it. It’s not so bad that it’s good but it’s a clumsy, somewhat lovable construction of uninspired storytelling, average visual effects (but pretty production design) and questionable characters saved by only one thing: Tom Hardy in the title roles as Eddie Brock and his alter ego Venom, bromancing the hell out of almost every scene they’re in.
If the rumours are true, a rushed production schedule and a late decision to not make «Venom» rated R might explain this uneven mess of a movie. The end result makes it look as if the creatives decided that if they’re not allowed to do a proper bloody version, let’s make it silly,… like a Buddy Cop movie with a hint of Screwball-Rom-Com sprinkled on top and some superfluous CGI action added for the studio and the uninitiated crowd.
And somehow, that worked for me. Like the «Tom Hardy Show» that was «Bronson» sans a good movie which would only distract and might take the focus off his performance.
I doubt that Sony really knew where they were going with this. But good for them they didn’t try (and fail again) to copy Marvel Studios’ approach and took a different way* – a strange, meandering route without any direction, purpose or destination, but still…
This silly mixed bag helps Tom Hardy’s performance to stand out even more (and somehow makes it even more enjoyable) and presents «Venom» as a strange but funny, rather forgettable, but entertaining stumble of a movie.
*) «Venom’s» mildly amusing second after credit scene – some minutes taken directly from their upcoming animated feature «Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse» – seems to confirm how truly lost they are with their remaining rights to use «Spider-Man», not knowing what the hell to do with them**.
**) At this point, I’ve given up trying to understand which studio has the right to which characters under which circumstances, but I doubt that cramming all the iterations of all the Spider-Men into one movie is the sensible way to go.
So let’s tick off that box in this year’s comic book movies list – or better: ANT🐜 off this part in the Marvel Cinematic Universe ANThology🐜.
I didn’t ANTicipate🐜 much and «Ant-Man and the Wasp» wouldn’t disappoint. It made me laugh (not as much as the first one though) and left me fully satisfied. All in all it’s pure and solid Marvel Studios ANTertainment🐜 as good as it can be for one of their «smaller» side-projects while still hinting at some bigger role for Scott Lang to play in the grand MCU scheme of things.
I won’t even address the elephANT🐜 in the room that «Ant-Man and the Wasp» is…, it’s… I got nothing there, just wANTed🐜 to put one more «ANT🐜» in there. It’s too hot to be clever today, I cAN’T🐜 even bother to give too much ANTtention🐜 to spelling in this climANTe🐜.
All I have is: Go see it, watch the two mid- and after credit scenes and let’s leave it at that ANTiclimactic🐜 review, ok?
Fine. Thank you. ANT🐜 have a nice day…
🐜) Warning: This review may contain some bad insect-related puns.
